The darkness closes in on me.
I call out for you,
You don't answer.
It's just me in the dark.
No one there to help;
No one to replace you.
A shape looms out of the dark.
It latches on,
Swiftly overpowering me.
I am helpless;
It has me in it's iron grip.
It's twisting my thoughts,
My emotions.
It's twisting my life.
It's name, is despair.
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Canary word: Present
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140,552 Literary Works • 673,427 Reviews
Wow. This is just beautiful. One nit-pick however:
I would put this line and everything after it in it's own stanza. It's got a different idea then the first bit of the poem, therefore it should be on it's own.
As for this feeling like a rough draft, I simply think it could be expanded, especially when the shape is looming out of the darkness, and when the narrator is in the dark.
If you have any questions, PM me
~Rosey
I really liked that, I was surprised that you are 11-years-old! (no offense, my writing totally stunk at 11)
Now on to the review:
It kind of felt like it was a rough draft, I say you should maybe polish it up a bit and add some more descriptive words.
Keep on writing!
Great poem CS. I hope everything works out and best of luck.
The whole poem sounds unconnected. Verse after verse you're putting interpunction signs that scatters your thoughts. But this is a real gem in poetry, you could make it much better and when you finish it I would like you to send it to me 'cause I really liked your theme and motives.
Another advice: Try to put some night(NOCTURNAL) elements.